


How to Disappear Completely

by paxton1976



Series: Found, and Lost [5]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Hypervigilance, M/M, Murder, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 12:00:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14135619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: After making a breakthrough with his mental health, Ken has a startling setback.Once he made it outside, he took gulps of the refreshing night air.  His head seemed to clear and Rize’s voice quieted.  Slowly walking toward the sidewalk, Kaneki leaned against the railing and watched the river in the distance.“Beautiful night, isn’t it?”He turned and his heart dropped into his stomach.  A young woman with purple wavy hair and blue glasses stood in front of him.  At an earlier time her smile would have charmed him, but now he found it alarmingly ironic.  Laughing to himself, he couldn’t believe his luck.“Never said you had a twin,” he mumbled.“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” the young lady said.Extra juicy meat…sweet…sweet…sweet.“Look, I don’t know who you are, but leave.  Don’t think twice, just go,” Kaneki instructed.





	How to Disappear Completely

**Author's Note:**

> Hypervigilance- This is the bane of my existence. You want to go places, but there are too many variables so you stay home. If you do go somewhere, you know where every blind spot, exit and corner is to watch everything. If there isn't a corner, you make your own. One can only handle so much of this before it becomes too overwhelming and the cornered animal feel takes effect. It sucks. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 
> 
> There is a bit of violence that's graphically described, but enough to put a warning on it. Just a reminder that this fic can be viewed as a trigger warning, so please stay safe.
> 
> Thanks for reading, let me know what you think and hope you like it.
> 
> * * *

As much as I wish I could, I don’t own Tokyo Ghoul.  
This fic is not beta’d.   
While I truly appreciate the offers, I’m not currently looking for a beta.

 You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/). Stay up to date on latest chapters and story progress or just want to give a shout out! I follow back! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

 

He took the stairs two at a time, wanting to get to his destination as soon as possible, having been away from his lover for too long that day.  Kaneki had had a rough day, and he hated not being there when he was needed most.  Though his best friend had spent most of the day with Kaneki, it wasn’t the same.

He was pleasantly surprised when he heard familiar laughter in the hallway, a sound he hadn’t heard in months before today.  Kaneki was still in a decent frame of mind.  While secretly wishing it would last forever, he knew it would pass.  If the half-ghoul was lucky, it might last for the remainder of the evening.

When he reached the apartment, he opened the door and greeted the men in the living room with a smile.  Bending over to kiss Kaneki on the cheek, he took a seat next to him.  Even though he wanted to touch Kaneki, it was never a good idea to do so when he couldn’t see what was going on or he didn’t tell him beforehand.

He frowned as he listened to Renji tell a story from their past, his friend loving to embarrass him in front of his lover every chance he got. While Renji found it humorous, Uta wanted to strangle him each time he did so.

“So yeah, he’s chasing me down the alley after I kicked his ass yet again and doesn’t see the pipe running along the ground.  Since I was at least a mile in front of him,” Renji said, pausing when he was interrupted.

“Mile, my ass.  More like a couple meters,” Uta grumbled.

“Who’s telling the story, fuckface?” Renji asked, smirking at him, “How was the exhibition, by the way?”

“Tell you when you get done lying through your teeth,” Uta answered, giving him a sickeningly sweet smile.

“Asshole,” he complained, “Anyway, I was a mile ahead of him, so I decided to wait to see what he does.  He reaches the pipe, trips over it and falls on his face. Up until that point, funniest moment of my life.  He looks up and the front of his hair and face are brown as shit.  Hence his nickname ‘Shitface.’”

“Remind me again why I’m friends with you?” Uta asked, sitting against the back of the couch and crossing his legs.

“It’s because you love me so.  That and you’d be lost without me.”

“No, I love Kaneki,” he corrected him, “I tolerate you.”

“Whatever, Shitface.”

Uta smiled when he heard Kaneki laugh.  If he and Renji had to banter well into the evening so he could hear that wonderful sound, he would gladly do so.  This was a breakthrough in Kaneki’s recovery.  He had a long, rough road ahead of him, but Uta had the utmost faith Kaneki would emerge a stronger, better man.

“As much as I would love to stay and listen to tales of days’ past, I must get back to Anteiku,” Yoshimura informed them, groaning as he stood, “Have a great night.”

After saying goodbye to Yoshimura, Uta told them about the exhibition, having been a hit with ghouls and humans alike.  He had been pleased with the turnout and the number of sales and orders that poured in.  Attributing the extra business to a new masquerade club that had opened in the thirteenth ward recently, he begged the two men for their help.

“I don’t know, Uta,” Kaneki said quietly, “my mask-making really sucks and you have a reputation to uphold.”

“Why do you think I know anything about sewing?  Or creativity?  You’re barking up the wrong tree,” Renji replied.

“You guys will be fine.  Kaneki, your straight stitch has improved so much.  And Renji,” Uta said, pausing to think of a job that would be perfect for him, “you can cut leather or make coffee or something.”

“Gee, thanks,” Renji said sarcastically, muttering unkind names for his best friend under his breath.

“Would you like some coffee?” Kaneki asked Uta, trying to change the subject.

“Sounds great,” Uta replied, smiling at him.

He watched Kaneki get up and disappear into the small kitchen, the smell of coffee brewing permeated the apartment minutes later, making his mouth water. Uta loved his coffee and hadn’t had any since that morning.  He was looking forward to it.

“Hey, come with me,” Renji said suddenly, jerking his head to the hallway.

Uta stood and followed him into the hallway, his jaw dropping when he saw the destruction.  The wall across from the bathroom was impossibly damaged.  He looked in the small room to his right, looking at the destroyed medicine cabinet and shards of the broken mirror strewn across the floor.  The cracks along the doorjamb webbed around the plaster and up to the ceiling.

“What the hell happened here?” Uta asked, stunned.

“Ken happened,” Renji explained quietly, “He’s still hearing Rize.  He saw her today as well.  I don’t envy Little Man.  He says she’s a black skeleton now.  Yoshimura’s going to work with him every day.  He’s worried Ken’s going to lose his mind if this keeps up.”

“Jesus,” Uta replied, running his hands over his face, “How in the hell are we supposed to fix this?  The entire wall needs to be torn down and replaced.”

“We don’t,” Renji stated, “Ken needs to move out.  The sooner, the better.  And we don’t tell the landlord.  He’s just going to disappear.  Completely.  We don’t need the police involved when the slum lord finds out.”

“Yeah,” Uta agreed, exhaling slowly, “So, when are we going to do this?”

“What do you mean ‘we’?  I’m a busy man,” Renji said, lifting a brow as he looked at him.

“Don’t even, dumbass,” Uta grumbled, “Let Komo and Nishiki know they’re helping.  Maybe we can get Hide, too.”

“Ken doesn’t want to see Hide,” Renji reminded him, nodding when his best friend sighed.

“We need to resolve that,” Uta said, “and soon. Ken can’t keep pushing Hide away.”

“Here,” Kaneki said when he joined him, handing Uta a mug of coffee, “What are you talking about?”

“You needing to move,” Renji answered, “as soon as possible. When your landlord gets wind of this, you’re going to be in a world of trouble.”

Kaneki looked at the wall, thinking for a minute.  He hated his lapse of sanity had resulted in this, but he couldn’t control his reactions yet.  If he did this to property, what would happen if he reacted this way to a living being?  The thought scared him.

“Yeah, ok,” Kaneki said softly, dreading the thought of packing and relocating. 

This was his sanctuary, where he could go to think and deal with his downward spiral alone.  He hadn’t been here in a while, and he had missed it.  Today was necessary.  He needed to be here as the emotion and thoughts of the day were overwhelming.  He’d been so close to exploding lately, lashing out at everyone around him.  What would he do when it was gone?

Uta saw him tense and fear flash briefly in his eyes.  He didn’t know what Kaneki was thinking, but he made a mental note to talk to him about it later.  They had agreed to be completely open with each other since Kaneki’s suicide attempt, but he needed a distraction right now.  He needed something to keep his spirits up.

Uta had the perfect idea.

“Ken, I have an idea.  How would you like to go somewhere we haven’t been in a while?” he asked, watching Kaneki perk up but remain hesitant.

“Where?”

“The bookstore,” Uta replied, “Thought you might like a few new things to read.  How about it?”

“I’m not sure,” Kaneki confessed, smiling weakly at him, “It sounds great, but going out.  I don’t know.”

“You already know the place.  You know the layout.  You’re not going to be alone,” he explained, “but it’s completely your decision.”

Uta watched him think for several moments, knowing this was a big decision for Kaneki and not wanting to rush him.  He followed him into the living room, sitting across from him when Kaneki dropped into a chair.

“Ok, let’s go.  But please stay near me,” Kaneki requested, pleading with his eyes.

“I won’t let you out of my sight,” Uta said softly, taking his lover’s hands in his.

“Mind if I tag along?” Renji asked as he entered the living room, “There are a couple new poetry books I want to check out.”

“Poetry?” Uta asked incredulously.

“Yes, poetry.  Little Man got me hooked on it,” he explained, smirking at Kaneki. 

“Maybe while we’re out, we can get something to eat.”

 

* * *

 

They took Anteiku’s SUV to the bookstore. While the evening was pleasant enough to walk, they had learned from the past to be prepared for anything which meant taking the vehicle. Renji suggested if the outing went well, they stop by the road at the cliffside since Anteiku’s ‘pantry’ was running low.  Though Uta laughed at his choice of words, he and Kaneki thought it was a perfect plan, knowing Anteiku provided a valuable service to many ghouls in the surrounding wards.

The night was busy with people going to and fro, enjoying the nightlife. The bass could be heard from many nightclubs with people who couldn’t get in dancing in the streets.  Traffic was horrendous and Renji cursed the pedestrians, asking Uta many times why he couldn’t simply run them over.  Kaneki found it amusing.

They eventually made it to the multi-floored bookstore.  It was the largest in the country of its chain and Kaneki loved to visit when he was fully human.  He had only been there once since then, helping Hinami pick out a book to practice her Kanji.  They had spent hours leisurely looking at a multitude of books, deciding on an armful that would keep Hinami busy for weeks.

Renji found a parking spot at the back of the building and guided the vehicle into it.  No one was in a hurry to get out since they wanted to go over a game plan.  This had become the norm for them since Yamori kidnapped Ken, but it was necessary.

“It’s a little busier than I had hoped,” Uta began, looking at Kaneki, “Do you think you’ll be ok?”

“I should be.  Yoshimura helped tremendously.  If I can focus, I should be alright,” he stated.

“One of us will be with you at all times,” Renji explained.

“Ok,” Kaneki said, resigned to the fact.

Once every possibility they could foresee had been discussed, they climbed out of the SUV and went through the back door.  Kaneki had a habit of making the floor plan out in his mind, searching for exits, making mental notes of blind spots and avoiding them at all costs, finding the spot in the room where he could watch everything going on.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to search for anything to read that night since it was too busy, but he tamped his growing nerves so Renji and Uta could enjoy themselves.

“Do you need anything?” Uta asked when Kaneki sat in a chair in the corner of the room.

“Maybe a coffee,” he offered, smiling when Uta kissed his hand and disappeared into the throng of people.

_Maybe this was a mistake._

He scanned the crowd for Renji when he felt his anxiety begin to bubble up.  Not only was the crowd unnerving him, but the sweet scent of their blood was starting to affect him.  He’d been so keyed up lately he hadn’t been eating like he should have been.  It hadn’t bothered him since he’d been holed up at Hy Sy, but this was the first time in weeks he’d been around so many humans.

_You know you want it._

Kaneki’s heart stopped when he heard her voice.  He thought he would be rid of her since Yoshimura helped him, he thought she’d be gone especially after destroying his bathroom.  Chuckling sadly to himself, Kaneki knew he’d thought wrong.

_They smell like the sweetest of desserts.  So young, so full of life.  You could lure one outside and make quick work of them._

“No,” he argued quietly, “I won’t kill a human.”

_You’ll have to face it sometime.  It’s not that hard.  Just remember what I did to you.  You can do that, can’t you?_

Having enough, Kaneki shoved his hands through his snowy white hair, gripping it so hard he felt drops of blood spring up.  He didn’t want to argue with Rize now.  He wanted to enjoy his time with Uta and Renji.  He wanted to laugh like he had earlier that day, he wanted to sip his coffee while going over his favorite poet’s latest work.

 _Simple_ _walk on the roof and a kagune to the gut.  Easy as that._

Kaneki couldn’t stand it anymore and stumbled to his feet, counting the steps until he reached the door to the back parking lot.  He ignored Renji’s call, drowned the sound around him out.  He needed to get Rize out of his mind.  He needed to eat.  He needed to disappear before he hurt someone.

Once he made it outside, he took gulps of the refreshing night air.  His head seemed to clear and Rize’s voice quieted.  Slowly walking toward the sidewalk, Kaneki leaned against the railing and watched the river in the distance.

“Beautiful night, isn’t it?”

He turned and his heart dropped into his stomach.  A young woman with purple wavy hair and blue glasses stood in front of him.  At an earlier time her smile would have charmed him, but now he found it alarmingly ironic.  Laughing to himself, he couldn’t believe his luck.

“Never said you had a twin,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” the young lady said.

_Extra juicy meat…sweet…sweet…sweet._

“Look, I don’t know who you are, but leave.  Don’t think twice, just go,” Kaneki instructed.

“I just wanted to get to know you a little better,” she said, frowning slightly, “I saw you walk in with your friends and thought you looked interesting.”

“Do you want to know what’s interesting?” he asked, walking menacingly toward her, “Do you ever think about if this is your last day to live?”

_Couldn’t have said it better myself.  Smell the blood, Kaneki.  Better than the best home-cooked meal…_

“N-no,” she said, taking a step backward, “You’re starting to scare me.”

“I should,” he said, removing his eyepatch and displaying his kakugan and releasing his kagune, “So, do you ever think about it?”

The woman was too frightened to move, too scared to make a move.  It was the first time Kaneki had willingly made an advance toward a human in this state, but he didn’t care.  He couldn’t handle being caged in, couldn’t handle Rize cornering him every minute of every day.  No matter where he went, he was never free and felt like a cornered animal.  The only thing he knew was to fight through it.

He reached for the girl and she screamed.  Not wanting to draw attention to himself, Kaneki whirled her around and covered her mouth with a hand.  With his new-found strength, it was easy to subdue her, but he didn’t want to hurt her.  Wrapping an arm around her neck, he waited until he choked her into unconsciousness, but it never came. 

He felt arms stronger than his pull him back and watched a hooded figure grab the young woman, snapping her neck at an unnatural angle before her screaming became too loud.  He was too shocked to react and let himself be ushered to the vehicle.

“Where were you?” Renji spat, looking at Uta.

“Getting him coffee!” Uta exclaimed, “I thought you were watching him.”

“No!” he yelled, “You’re lucky I saw him leave the building.  If not, we’d have CCG on us in a heartbeat.  This was a really bad idea.”

“Excuse me for trying to take my boyfriend out and give him some normalcy in his life.  I’m sorry if I—”

“Enough!” Kaneki roared, “It doesn’t matter who was doing what.  An innocent woman lost her life because of me.  I just want to disappear.  I want to disappear forever.  I can’t go on living like this.  I shouldn’t go on living.”

“Ken,” Uta said, turning around and taking his hands, “No one could have foreseen this happening.  I’m sorry I wasn’t more in tune with how you were feeling.”

_He’ll never know how you’re feeling.  No one ever will.  You’re on your own…forever._

“Shut up!” Kaneki screamed, pulling tufts of hair out of his head. 

“Ken,” Uta said, removing his hands from his hair and holding them, “I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“It’s not you,” he whined, eyes darting all around him, “It’s Rize.  She won’t go away.”

Uta didn’t know what to say, all he could do was climb into the back seat and hold Ken until they made it to Hy Sy.

 

* * *

 

Ken’s energy wore out soon after reaching Hy Sy and Uta played with his hair until he fell asleep.  Renji had taken the body to Anteiku for processing and replayed the night’s events to Yoshimura, giving him a grim stare when all the man did was click his tongue.  After packing the meat and storing it in refrigeration, Renji returned to Hy Sy.

Uta was softening a large piece of leather when Renji walked through the door.  They were silent for several minutes before Renji cleared his throat.  Uta looked up and frowned when he saw the seriousness on his friend’s face.

“Yoshimura says if he can’t get a handle on things soon, he’ll have to be eliminated,” Renji declared.

“What?” Uta asked, feeling the breath knocked out of him.

“He’s a danger to himself and those around him.  He pretty much attacked a human in plain sight.  He’s going to bring the CCG down around us,” Renji stated.

“I can keep him safe.”

“While you get coffee?” he sneered, “Little Man needs to disappear while this blows over.  The news is all about a missing woman and a ghoul seen in the vicinity.  This is the last thing we need.”

Uta closed his eyes and had to agree his best friend was right.  Abandoning the leather, Uta ran up the stairs and hastily packed two bags.  Once he had everything he thought they would need for an indefinite stay, Uta woke Kaneki from a somewhat peaceful slumber.

“Kaneki,” Uta said, shaking his shoulder gently.

“Hmm?” he questioned, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

“How do you feel about going away for a while?” Uta asked, “Disappearing for a while.”

“Am I in trouble?” Kaneki inquired, sitting up suddenly.

“No, Love,” he promised, “I want to keep you out of it.  How about you and I and a cabin in the woods?”

“Sounds lovely.  When do we leave?”

“In a few minutes,” Uta said, “Go brush your hair and teeth and we’ll be ready to go.  Oh, grab a hat!”

Kaneki did as instructed and found himself looking forward to getting out of the city.  He hadn’t been on a vacation since his mother passed away and it was something he always loved.  Thinking about the last one at the beach up north, Kaneki felt the coldest chill run up his spine when he heard a voice.

_I’ve always wanted to go on a vacation._

 


End file.
